"Detective! This man assaulted me!"

You've seen it before. Two people are in an altercation, severe verbage flying around in increasing volumes. Insults are popping up like popcorn. Then suddenly, one of them has had enough and decks the other across the chin with a well-placed fist. Later, after the fight is broken up, the punchee points to the puncher and shouts, "He assaulted me!"

Oh, schnaaap. Oh, no he di'n't!

...No really, he didn't.

But Guy Number 1 (the puncher) hit Guy Number 2 (the punchee), right? Smack on the jaw. There's a bruise, see? How can you say he wasn't assaulted?

The colloquial definition of assault is very different from the legal definition. The legal definition of assault is "a threat of bodily harm coupled with an apparent, present ability to cause the harm (http://legal-dictionary.thefreedictionary.com/assault)." For example, I could tell you very calmly that I was going to throw a chair at you while we are both standing in the middle of a gas station with no chairs in sight, and it would not be considered assault. But change the location to my backyard with a set of nice metal deck chairs present, my tone to angry, and my action to picking up and brandishing one of said deck chairs, and you have assault. But that's if I don't actually hit you. Once I hit you, the crime turns into battery.

That's why, whenever a person in the interrogation room whines that, "The guy punched me! I want him charged with assault!" I always shake my head, groan, and tell the guy, "You're Doing it Wrong!"

Post "It" Note: Yes, I understand that the accusation "He battered me!" doesn't quite hold the same ring as "He assaulted me!" But I'd rather err on the side of correct definitions than on the side of auditory pleasantness.